Meyers Family

Archive for the ‘Wisdoms’ Category

1. Chuck Norris never wet his bed as a child. The bed wet itself out of fear.
2. Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves.
3. When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
4. Contrary to popular belief, there is indeed enough Chuck Norris to go around.
5. Along with his black belt, Chuck Norris often chooses to wear brown shoes. No one has DARED call him on it. Ever.
6. Chuck Norris knows everything there is to know – Except for the definition of mercy.
7. Chuck Norris once participated in the running of the bulls. He walked.
8. Chuck Norris was banned from competitive bullriding after a 1992 exhibition in San Antonio, when he rode the bull 1,346 miles from Texas to Milwaukee Wisconsin to pick up his dry cleaning.
9. Chuck Norris’ hand is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush.
10. When Arnold says the line “I’ll be back” in the first Terminator movie it is implied that he is going to ask Chuck Norris for help.
11. To be or not to be? That is the question. The answer? Chuck Norris.
12. If you work in an office with Chuck Norris, don’t ask him for his three-hole-punch.
13. Chuck Norris did in fact, build Rome in a day.
14. Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse… horses are hung like Chuck Norris
15. If at first you don’t succeed, you’re not Chuck Norris.
16. Aliens DO indeed exist. They just know better than to visit a planet that Chuck Norris is on.
17. Chuck Norris doesn’t read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
18. Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because Chuck Norris only recognizes the element of surprise.
19. Chuck Norris does not style his hair. It lays perfectly in place out of sheer terror.
20. Superman once watched an episode of Walker, Texas Ranger. He then cried himself to sleep.
21. Chuck Norris played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.
22. A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is “Charles”. Chuck Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.
23. That’s not Chuck Norris doing push-ups – that’s Chuck Norris moving the Earth away from the path of a deadly asteroid.
24. July 4th is Independence day. And the day Chuck Norris was born. Coincidence? I think not.
25. Staring at Chuck Norris for extended periods of time without proper eye protection will cause blindess, and possibly foot sized brusies on the face.
26. When Chuck Norris says “More cowbell”, he MEANS it!!
27. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
28. TNT was originally developed by Chuck Norris to cure indigestion.
29. A picture is worth a thousand words. A Chuck Norris is worth 1 billion words.
30. They say curiosity killed the cat. This is false. Chuck Norris killed the cat. Every single one of them.
31. When Chuck Norris plays Monopoly, it affects the actual world economy.
32. They once made a Chuck Norris toilet paper, but there was a problem: It wouldn’t take shit from anybody.
33. The air around Chuck Norris is always a balmy 78 degrees
34. Chuck Norris can judge a book by its cover.
35. The phrase ‘dead ringer’ refers to someone who sits behind Chuck Norris in a movie theater and forgets to turn their cell phone off.
36. Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost.
37. Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water AND make it drink.
38. There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only another fist.
39. Google won’t search for Chuck Norris because it knows you don’t find Chuck Norris, he finds you.
40. Chuck Norris uses a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris.
41. Chuck Norris counted to infinity – twice.
42. Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch. HE decides what time it is.
43. Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.
44. Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.
45. Most people fear the Reaper. Chuck Norris considers him “a promising Rookie”.
46. Chuck Norris can win at solitaire with only 18 cards.
47. Chuck Norris sleeps with a pillow under his gun.
48. .Chuck Norris doesn’t bowl strikes, he just knocks down one pin and the other nine faint.
49. .Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.
50. Chuck Norris can blow bubbles with beef jerky.

• The people who are starting college this fall were born in 1992.
• They are too young to remember the space shuttle blowing up.
• Their lifetime has always included AIDS.
• The CD was introduced two years before they were born.
• They have always had an answering machine.
• They have always had cable..
• Jay Leno has always been on the Tonight Show.
• Popcorn has always been microwaved .
• They never took a swim and thought about Jaws.
• They don’t know who Mork was or where he was from..
• They never heard: ‘Where’s the Beef?’,  ’I'd walk a mile for a Camel ‘ or ‘de plane Boss, de plane’.
• McDonald’s never came in Styrofoam containers.
• They don’t have a clue how to use a typewriter.
• Pass this on to the other old fogies on your list.

Notice the larger type?

That’s for those of us who have trouble reading..

P.S. Save the earth. It’s the only planet with chocolate.
Live, Love and Laugh, Life is too short!!

Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong.

Keep skunks and bankers at a distance.

Life is simpler when you plow around the stump..

A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.

Words that soak into your ears are whispered…not yelled.

Meanness don’t jes’ happen overnight.

Forgive your enemies; it messes up their heads.

Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you.

It don’t take a very big person to carry a grudge.

You cannot unsay a cruel word.

Every path has a few puddles.

When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.

The best sermons are lived, not preached.

Most of the stuff people worry about ain’t never gonna happen anyway.

Don ‘ t judge folks by their relatives.

Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.

Live a good, honorable life.Then when you get older and think back, you’ll enjoy it a second time.

Don’t interfere with somethin’ that ain’t bothering you none.

Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a Rain dance.

If you find yourself in a hole,the first thing to do is stop diggin’.

Sometimes you get,and sometimes you get got.

The biggest troublemaker you’ll probably ever have to deal with, watches you from the mirror every mornin’.

Always drink upstream from the herd.

Good judgment comes from experience,and a lotta that comes from bad judgment.

Lettin’ the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin’ it back in..

If you get to thinkin’ you’re a person of some influence, try orderin’ somebody else’s dog around..

Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply.

Speak kindly. Leave the rest to God.

–

Don’t pick a fight with an old man. If he is too old to fight,

he’ll just kill you.

And,